Understanding and Managing Perfectionism in Kids
Perfectionism in children is often mistaken for high achievement, but it can lead to anxiety, fear of failure, and burnout. Recognizing the signs and helping your child adjust expectations is key to fostering emotional health and resilience. This blog explores what perfectionism looks like in children and how parents can support a more balanced approach to goals and success.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a mindset marked by a need to meet extremely high standards or be flawless, often tied to rigid, all-or-nothing thinking. It differs from a healthy drive for success, where children understand failure as part of the learning process. For example, a student with a balanced mindset working toward straight A’s might accept an 85 on a test as part of the journey. A child struggling with perfectionism, however, might see an 85, or even a 95, as a failure. Their thinking often aligns with: “If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure.”
Signs of Perfectionism
Children dealing with perfectionism may:
Fear making mistakes
Show anxiety or panic before activities
Procrastinate or avoid tasks they fear they can’t do perfectly
Quit new activities quickly if they’re not immediately the best
Be overly self-critical and engage in negative self-talk
Struggle with receiving feedback, often taking it personally
The Impact of Perfectionism
Children with perfectionist tendencies often set impossible standards, leading to frequent feelings of failure and low low self-esteem. These patterns can lead to emotional dysregulation, increased stress, and chronic anxiety including rumination on past mistakes or “what-ifs”. They often avoid new opportunities or feedback, missing out on growth experiences. Perfectionism can also affect social development. Kids may isolate themselves, avoid trying new things, or struggle to connect with peers due to a need for control and fear of judgment.
How Parents Can Help
Encourage a Growth Mindset
Focus on learning, not just outcomes. Praise effort and persistence rather than results. Instead of saying, “I’m so proud of you for getting an A,” try, “I’m proud of how hard you worked and kept trying.”Normalize Mistakes
Talk openly about your own failures and what you’ve learned from them. Help your child see resilience and adaptability as more important than perfection.Teach Stress Management Skills
Create a low-pressure home environment centered on learning. Model and practice calming techniques such as:Belly Breathing: Lie on your backs with a small stuffed animal on your stomachs. Watch it rise and fall with each breath.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups one at a time, breathing deeply. This helps release unnoticed tension.
5 Senses Mindfulness: Identify 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste. This grounds attention in the present moment.
Model Self-Compassion
Children mirror how adults treat themselves. Speak kindly about your own mistakes and show how to keep setbacks in perspective.Encourage Curiosity and Exploration
Messy Art Activity: Create together with a rule—no starting over. Embrace mistakes as part of the process.
Mistake Jar: Write down family mistakes and what you learned. Celebrate growth when the jar is full.
Weekly Challenge: Try something new together that you’re not good at—a dance, recipe, or art project. Focus on fun and curiosity, not performance.
Talk About Perfection: Ask questions like “What does perfect mean to you?” and “Is ‘perfect’ even real?”
When to Seek Professional Support
If perfectionism leads to panic, emotional shutdowns, irritability, or negative self-talk, consider professional help. Reach out if your child is avoiding activities, struggling socially, or experiencing anxiety symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue. If you’re concerned about how perfectionism may be affecting your child, contact the Intown Psychology team. Complete a new client inquiry form, and someone from our team will connect with you.